Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
forgive me baja for i have blast
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.