Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
You Might Also Like
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Ah yes. The three genders
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.