Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.