Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?