Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My biological clock is wheezing.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle