Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
A family that plays together cheats.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.