Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.