Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
