Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.