Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
You Might Also Like
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want