Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch