Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.