Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
work smarter, not harder
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?