Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine