Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

🤫

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.