Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Happy Caturday!

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

shampoo implies shampee

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.