Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern