Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads