Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“OMGJK” -atheists
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Look Ma, no handle on things
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.