Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Noah was an idiot.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting