Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.