Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
$4 #usedbooks
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
shakira sharkira
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.