Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor