Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.