Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that