Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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Yeah. This was me today.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.