Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*