Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do