Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.