Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low