Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You Might Also Like
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Lol
i actually laughed 😩
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon