Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying