Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.