Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”