@Book_Krazy

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

@jakob_huber

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

@Mostly_Cheese

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

@robdelaney

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

@JessObsess

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

@CatJacquesESPN

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

@pushinghoops

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@GrantTanaka

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

@Darlainky

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

@TimFederle

Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”