Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
You Might Also Like
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
School be like
Put this video in the Louvre
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Limited budget
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.