Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]