Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”