Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
You Might Also Like
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
This meeting could have been a cake
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”