Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…