Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”