Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The chart results are in…
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Ok, but like, how married are you?