Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.