Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Somebody call the cops.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies