Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.