Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.