Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

Accurate

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.