Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”