Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.