Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.