Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.