Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
twitter users today:
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born