Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
just arby’s bein’ a bro
