Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Just ordered me some pizza!
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
step 6: release the wall snake
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook