Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.