Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”