Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
You Might Also Like
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”