Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
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#CoronaOutbreak
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I stand by it
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?