Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

🤣😂🤣😂

#Caturday

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks