Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

How to cook crack and clean a crab.

Step 1 – use commas

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.