Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming