Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
You Might Also Like
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
