Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?