Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
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Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Who knew!
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*