Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
I have taken up painting
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
We’ve come full circle
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back