Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):