@Marlebean

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

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@TheRealD_Martin

Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.

@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

@megsaystweet

My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes

@Thynebear

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

@envydatropic

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

@Cool_Jesse

When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.

@Mr_Kapowski

Betsy Ross: “Let’s put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag”

Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar

@gobmentcheese

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@notsoevilrick

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.