@Marlebean

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

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@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@aLunchBox

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

@girl_a_whirl

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

@Easy_Tiger__

I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.

@veronicakallday

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@Kvy_kv

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.