Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.