Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

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Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.


*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*


My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes


[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*


*Jury starts The Wave*


There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one


When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.


Betsy Ross: “Let’s put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag”

Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar


You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.


My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.