Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
bugs when you lift up a rock
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
This is the best one I’ve seen
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.