Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.