Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Why font matters.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.