Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
🌲😼
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *