Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.