Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.![]()
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You can’t rush stupid.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”